Dear Semester System Losers

Sad semester student wonders what to do in the fog of life.

Quarter system brothers and sisters,

This past week, in an attempt to undermine and invalidate of our way of life, The Daily Californian at UC Berkeley released an attacking article attempting to cheapen and scorn our dear, sweet quarter system. The article, entitled Dear Quarter System Losers, is a blatant piece of libel that seeks to splinter the unifying spirit of UCSD and many other colleges across the nation.

Make no mistake semester system-ers, we will not take this insult lying down. Our lack of a dead week and experiences taking two midterms the Friday before Finals Week have given us such great fortitude that we will not only withstand your insult, we will rebut it. I shan’t slander or defame, not wishing to resort to petty insults common only to schools who enjoy things such as “syllabus week” (I mean, really? What even is that?). I seek only to critique the abhorrent lethargy that the author indulges in. The article’s very own words shall crash in upon themselves.

It’s upsetting to see how the author relishes in summer apathy with every word that she writes. She speaks proudly of how her and her cohort have “completely lost the muscle memory for any action other than scrolling” and are currently “drowning in homemade spaghetti sauce and clean clothes.” Though she notes that these activities are not concurrent, it’s difficult to determine the validity of her statement, given her own claim that all of their “brains are becoming vegetables.” Sad!

Even more, the author assumes that us quarter system students desire nothing more than to break from our ardent quest for knowledge and join them in their idleness, as if we are waiting with eager anticipation to become lifeless vegetables without purpose, drive, and direction. This is why we go to school — so that we can learn how to work hard and work well. What about you? I thought Berkeley students are always scrambling for Silicon Valley internships. I guess none of you got them since you’re all currently wasting away in a pile of spaghetti laundry.

Still, in spite of all of these offenses, the writer holds a single trump card. It is the only concession that I have to give, but perhaps it’s the only one that matters.

The fact of the matter is… she’s right. The quarter system sucks.

It’s hard and it’s tiring and I hate finals. I don’t really care about this piece’s inconsistencies or self-glorying braggary. I just want to take a nap.

Tritons, other quarter system losers, hang in there. We’re almost done.

Semester system losers, we’ll see you next week.