Staying Warm: Group Sex at UCSD

Artwork by Arlene Banuelos.

Cuffing season is in full swing…shivers. I’m sure many of you have experienced the chilling anxiety associated with Valentine’s Day, the capitalist holiday some of us hate to love. Swiping through Bumble over a cup of hot cocoa, listening to the bittersweet “Nobody” by Mitski on a Bluetooth speaker, and gazing out a dewy window. Or maybe that was just me last week. For me, this extreme winter involved thoughts of challenging the validity behind “Hoes never get cold” and craving the warmth of another body. Actually, many bodies.

Group sex is not prominent at UC San Diego. The closest a normal college student cums to this reality is through a quick exchange with friends, where they might say, “If I were to be in a threesome, I would want you to be in it.” It’s flattering, but leaves one wistfully yearning. If I had been in every threesome that had been jokingly proposed to me…I would have a lot more friends, I guess. But, I also could have further pushed the card for destigmatizing hookup culture, wink.

Dating apps aren’t very helpful for navigating non-monogamy: The stigma and shame of engaging in sexual activities (besides hetero-missionary within a monogamous relationship) prevents many from honestly expressing their kinks and interests, one of which could be an orgy. I rotated between provocative bios throughout my dating app career, starting first year with: “Full-time student, part-time hoe,” and later switching between “looking for a safe, fun orgy” and “I will be your third.” Most of my hits from UCSD students are stinky frat boys (bleh), so I stay looking for more sensual, many-bodied opportunities.

In this quest, I have been searching this campus, asking around for more sexually open-minded spaces. Besides my organization, Sex Geekdom SD, the closest I have cum to finding that fun, liberated space was the Food Co-op. The dude behind the counter asked about my dripping, sparkly cum tattoo and then said I would really like it there. I have yet to be involved, but I fuck with the energy of the space. Vegan mac and cheese plus sex equals my heaven.

For those of you interested in group sex with constituents on this campus, here’s the rundown from my general sex-pertise and novice non-monogamous experience.

The first step is to be forthright and daring while engaging in consensual practices. You can introduce it to a former hookup, a Tinder candidate, or even your best friend…cute! As many fuck buddies as you can think of to spice up your sex life.

With the consent comes planning the perfect combination. Find the ideal party number, then do the calculations. Leave toxic masculinity at the door. A top for every bottom, and as many verses as possible. Oral experts and power bottoms are especially welcome. A few chokers, maybe a fister, and definitely a pro-protection hoe: enforcing the condoms, dental dams, toy-sanitizing, and open communication. A cohesive collection of sex-critical sluts.

Location is very important. Threesomes and foursomes—possibly okay for a dorm room, as long as y’all aren’t packed in there like sardines. Moresomes: On-campus is a NO. Even if an orgy isn’t detailed in violation of Housing Dining Hospitality (HDH), the many echoes of moaning and spanking will get you written up for noise after quiet hours. An off-campus house should be the safe default.

At my last foursome, I was standing off the bed most of the time, circling around and bestowing pleasure with my vibrating wands like a fucking fairy godmother. If you want to work from outercourse to intercourse, I suggest bringing some toys for yourself and others, washing after each person uses, or using condoms around them. Toy time, ladies.

Well heck, if you are looking for more ways to spice things up, turn it into a fucking game. Collaborate on a playlist of repulsive songs to blast during the sex and whoever cums first is the reigning sex god or goddess. Anyone who can get off to “Cotton Eyed Joe” has surpassed the mindfuckery of this boner-killing music and transcended to a deeper self. A power move.

No, I am not going to end this asking to be recruited to an orgy (although, invitations are welcome). In all of your sexy endeavors on this sorta stagnant campus, please ensure safety, fun, and dopamine overload for all. Cuddle with your friends and partners to stay warm while it’s co-hoe-ld.

xoxo,

Cool Slut

Nicole Morris is a contributing writer for the Arts and Culture section of The Triton. This piece is the first part of a series titled Cool Slut, which publishes every few weeks.