Scratch the Itch: ‘Oddly Satisfying’ Porn

I fucking love masturbating. Morning wood, afternoon boredom, late night chill, you name it—me, my hand, my private browser, and my arsenal of toys are locked and loaded. The origin of my self-guided body tours was with the one and only PornHub—but as the years have gone by, my realization of mainstream porn’s injustices to humanity has weaned me off the need for a screen to get off.

But sometimes, the phone stays on during self-sex. Texting your friends, scrolling Twitter, and registering for classes, all while walking the dog? Maybe she’s busy multitasking, or maybe it’s a compulsive attachment to her phone.

One night this past quarter, I picked up my phone mid-sesh for one or both of those reasons. Buzzing off at the second setting and realizing I have exhausted watching Snapchat stories, I scrolled through the “For You” category. And then I saw it: “Oddly Satisfying.” It’s a genre of indulgent media that appeases the mind in ways that can’t be completely explained. For me, this definition does not include the gnarly popularization of slime videos. Some popular sources for this fascinating category include Reddit, Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube; besides the excess in slime videos, most of this content is well-curated.

As I tapped, it became clear to me that the physical mixed with this visual stimulation was bound to be orgasmic. From efficient curb-painting to fitting parts together with ease, these videos are pleasure roller coasters. The sorting, the slicing, the squishing…and yeah I came to a fucking cactus-cutting video. The two responses I curated for myself in post-nut clarity were “what the fuck” and “…my mind.” And with this “just-right” feeling, I stuck with my latter statement.

The association makes sense! The quivering, fluttering, and jaw-dropping experiences of exploring this tag was overwhelmingly gratifying. I’m sure witnessing activities like a finely-detailed painting, a perfectly choreographed routine, magical street-food preparation, or the sophisticated execution of “cut a bitch” liner have made some of you quiver and flutter in gratification. Now using UC San Diego language: Convert that .awe into a .cum while making love to yourself, and success, you scratched that itch you never knew you had. This latte art video might really do the trick for all you oat-milk fiends.

If you are content with your indie porn subscription as an alternative to destructive mainstream porn, continue on your way. If you are stuck on RedTube and don’t have the budget for paid porn, maybe give this a try. In the meantime, I will be visiting #oddlysatisfying whilst jacking off and continuing to say, “Thank you, I will cum again. And again.”

Cheers,

Nicole Morris is a contributing writer for the Arts and Culture section of The Triton. This piece is the second part of a series titled Cool Slut, which publishes every few weeks.