The Conch: Fighting Stupidity With Half Our Brain Tied Behind Our Back

Much like a UC San Diego student’s sense of self-worth, The Conch has taken a two-year hiatus. But now we’re back to bring you the latest in fabricated journalism. Here’s a little about us:

We’ll have a faux news reporting style that uses antiquated forms no longer seen in modern news media. Said The Triton’s News Editor, “I don’t think this is going to work.”

Our section will also include the latest hot takes, unpopular opinions, and reminders that Michael Jackson is not someone to idolize.

Will our articles be about UCSD? You bet.

Can we promise to publish our latest musings consistently? We cannot.

Were parachute pants a mistake? Yes. Yes they were. Except for 10-year-old Ryan Gosling.

The one thing we can promise is that our content will always be in easily digestible, bite-sized pieces, kinda like Tide Pods. We only make this guarantee because this tongue-in-cheek gag gets old after, like, 300 words.

So keep checking back for the latest from The Conch. Like Joe Biden, we’ll be in frequent contact that you really didn’t ask for.

To make your own contribution to fabricated journalism, apply here.

Patrick Alexander is the Editor of The Conch and an Assistant Opinion Editor of The Triton.