Poli Sci Major Lists “Politics” as Interest on Tinder, Entitled to More Matches

Jimmy McDecker sits in his Marshall College Upper Apartment every Tuesday, desperately swiping on three different dating apps. As the night wears on, he sags deeper and deeper into his cotton Beto O’Rourke shirt. Like Beto, Jimmy ends his Tuesday nights by conceding defeat.

“I really can’t explain it. I was on the front lines in 2016,” McDecker said. “When students marched on the freeway on election night, I had a friend who heard the car collide with one of the protestors on the five. That shit scars you. I think girls will see the maturity in that experience.”

He scratched the back of his head as his eyes lit up at a fond memory. “I almost went out with this girl in my class on the Voting Rights Act. Super sweet, really pretty. I’d get so excited listening to her that I’d just cut right in and talk over her. Turns out she voted for Mike Huckabee, and didn’t like that I was such a feminist.”

I asked him whether he’d be open to dating someone of an opposing political philosophy. “We can disagree on policy. Supporting the child separation policy at the border doesn’t make you, like, a bad person. It’s just politics. Having someone emotionally distant from the policy is really important.”

He gazed into the Robert Kennedy poster on his wall and sighed. “I think they might get scared by all the stickers on my laptop. It’s a lot to take in.”

When asked if he had any favorites for the upcoming election, he said he’s “undecided on 2020. I like Beto, I like Bernie, I like Buttigieg. I think America just really needs a white male president right now. Our most crucial leaders have been white men. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Carter. I think this political moment, in which so many different groups have been marginalized, needs another one of those crucial leaders.”

Patrick Alexander is the Editor of The Conch and an Assistant Opinion Editor for The Triton.