The Conch

Although formerly known as an amalgam of satire, quirky news, and non-fiction that did not find a home in one of the other sections, The Conch now exists as a strictly satirical section. Articles can employ a variety of design principles or gimmicks but should always have a point. These can include faux news reports, tongue-in-cheek op-eds, persona authors, and Buzzfeed-style lists.

Dear The Triton, Please Abdicate Your Moral Authority Like Other Campus Publications

Dear The Triton, I, your lowly former opinion editor, saw a submission in another (more…

Introverted First Year Accidentally Joins Every Club on Library Walk

Andrew Nguyen, an introverted first year in Sixth College, along with his suitemates, were invited…

Khosla Got This Bread So You Don’t Have To

Chancellor Pradeep Khosla was spotted stapling pieces of bread to the Eucalyptus trees in Warren…

ERC and Sixth: A Friendship That Could Never Be

My dear friend in Eleanor Roosevelt College (ERC), If you are receiving this letter, it…

Spam Quarantine Email Quarantines Itself, Explodes Space-Time Continuum

The universe ceased to exist on Wednesday, when UC San Diego’s Spam Quarantine notification quarantined…

Poli Sci Major Lists “Politics” as Interest on Tinder, Entitled to More Matches

Jimmy McDecker sits in his Marshall College Upper Apartment every Tuesday, desperately swiping on three…

The Conch: Fighting Stupidity With Half Our Brain Tied Behind Our Back

Much like a UC San Diego student’s sense of self-worth, The Conch has taken a…

My Top Fears for Sun God 2017

The lineup will be bad. The lineup will be bad but I will attend anyways…

Student Takes Final Shower Before Midterms

With three midterms this coming week, it has been confirmed that UCSD student Loraine Smithson…

UCSD’s Unknown 2nd Best Rankings

Last year, one of the central arguments for Division I athletics was that it would…