Man Returns Wallet, But “The Cash Was Gone, Bro”

On Tuesday, October 18th, 2023, Warren College freshman Rex Shaw realized that he lost his wallet while returning from a shopping trip.

“I was just going to 99 Ranch Market to buy some fresh groceries. This college really doesn’t like providing vegetables in its dining halls. I needed some bok choy! But when I got home, I realized my wallet was gone,” said Shaw.

Upon this realization, Shaw grew agitated, going so far as to venture out of his dorm to inform his suitemates of his predicament. This resulted in a fortunate exchange between Shaw and one of his suitemates, Aiden, who mentioned a social media post about the potential location of his missing wallet.

“Rex is quite the hermit, and he lives under a rock. He doesn’t have Snapchat, but I do, and I saw someone had posted a public story with a driver’s license, saying they had found a person’s missing wallet and wanted to return it. I told Rex about this and he was super relieved,” said Aiden Lorren, another freshman.

Lost and found posts don’t always end successfully, but Shaw remained optimistic about getting his wallet back. Thanks to Aiden’s helpful tip, he found the address of the kind Samaritan and headed off to retrieve his wallet. The man kindly returned Shaw’s wallet, condemning whoever had stolen it and left it outside after taking the cash.

“Yeah, man, I’m really happy I got to help you. But all the cash was gone, bro, someone took it out and left the wallet on the ground. The $20.45 is all gone, man. People have no morals these days!” the man, who chose to remain anonymous for the interview, exclaimed.

Despite losing all the money in his wallet, Rex happily went home and proceeded to cook his bok choy. The next day, Rex was expelled from UC San Diego and subsequently detained in the San Diego County Jail for cooking in his college dormitory. According to the Warren College Residential Responsibilities Section 5, Clause A4, “Cooking on open coil burners, hot plates, and any other small cooking appliances is prohibited in the residential halls.”

Meanwhile, a house party with copious amounts of alcohol and marijuana continues to rage on at a Sixth College dorm, uninterrupted by campus administrators and police.

Right now, Rex is sitting in his 6-foot by 8-foot prison cell—about the same size as a triple—and mulling over his life choices. He is also wondering how the anonymous man knew there was exactly $20.45 in his wallet—he must have been a really smart guy.

Kevin Zhu is a Conch writer for The Triton.