One of the pandemic’s largest tolls on campus life has recently become strikingly obvious in the case of Sixth College students. The orders to remain isolated at home has evidently driven the campus residents to perform, what many are calling, a miraculous feat. Despite heavily reduced numbers of students living on campus, the residents have somehow managed to cause thousands of dollars in damage to pipes with mere semen alone.
In an exclusive Triton interview, I spoke with sophomore student Hugh J. Whanker, who told me:
“Yeah, we’re really proud of what we’ve been able to do here!” He continued asking, “But at what cost? We’re just really bummed-out to lose our sanctuary in the shower.”
A shocking announcement to Hugh, and young men around the globe, according to HDH, shower pipes are not in fact designed to handle excessive amounts of discharge, and can be heavily damaged by such activities. If this information proves to be true, The Triton recommends an immediate and extensive national campaign to prevent what is no doubt going to soon become a nationwide pipe disaster. However, the pure exposure HDH’s (Housing, Dining, Hospitality) notice has received in recent weeks on social media may be effective in informing the masses of young people.
While there is some debate concerning the authenticity of this notice, considering the multiple iterations of it that have cropped up over the last decade, the phone number for HDH, advice to contact RA’s, and policies outlined seem to line up with real policies. In either sense, the notice has rapidly reached national popularity and recognition for the college.
To this point, Sixth College is certainly celebrating the massive amounts of admiration it has received over the last week or so. As everyone well knows, it is every university’s deepest desire to be featured on the Instagram account of sophisticated scholarly celebrities like Daniel Tosh. That being said, however embarrassing it may be to be nationally exposed as chronic masturbators on social media, students must remain sensitive about the true embarrassment of the situation, as the whole country wonders who would want to attend a school simply referred to as “Sixth College.” Especially, with the recent addition of the, no doubt, infinitely cooler competition of what has quickly gained notoriety as “Lucky Number Seventh College.”
In other news, freshmen of Sixth report a general inability to find their RA’s recently. While unwilling to disclose their queries to anyone other than their RA’s, the students seem fairly on edge about their recent disappearance.
Joe Page is a Conch writer for The Triton.