The Conch
Although formerly known as an amalgam of satire, quirky news, and non-fiction that did not find a home in one of the other sections, The Conch now exists as a strictly satirical section. Articles can employ a variety of design principles or gimmicks but should always have a point. These can include faux news reports, tongue-in-cheek op-eds, persona authors, and Buzzfeed-style lists.
Submission: Justice, then Peace
The disproportionate impact of COVID-19 on black communities and the murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, Tony McDade, Nina Pop, and Rayshard Brooks should …
Dear The Triton, Please Abdicate Your Moral Authority Like Other Campus Publications
Dear The Triton, I, your lowly former opinion editor, saw a submission in another (more incredible) campus publication today, and it got me thinking about ways …
Introverted First Year Accidentally Joins Every Club on Library Walk
Andrew Nguyen, an introverted first year in Sixth College, along with his suitemates, were invited to meet the members of the Hypebeasts Club during Week 1. …
Khosla Got This Bread So You Don’t Have To
Chancellor Pradeep Khosla was spotted stapling pieces of bread to the Eucalyptus trees in Warren Mall. Ever in touch with the youth, Khosla said, “I keep …
ERC and Sixth: A Friendship That Could Never Be
My dear friend in Eleanor Roosevelt College (ERC), If you are receiving this letter, it means that it has been delivered to you upon my last …
Spam Quarantine Email Quarantines Itself, Explodes Space-Time Continuum
The universe ceased to exist on Wednesday, when UC San Diego’s Spam Quarantine notification quarantined itself. The system tried to notify a student of new Tapingo …
Poli Sci Major Lists “Politics” as Interest on Tinder, Entitled to More Matches
Jimmy McDecker sits in his Marshall College Upper Apartment every Tuesday, desperately swiping on three different dating apps. As the night wears on, he sags deeper …
The Conch: Fighting Stupidity With Half Our Brain Tied Behind Our Back
Much like a UC San Diego student’s sense of self-worth, The Conch has taken a two-year hiatus. But now we’re back to bring you the latest …
My Top Fears for Sun God 2017
The lineup will be bad. The lineup will be bad but I will attend anyways in order to maintain my social status as a cool student …
Student Takes Final Shower Before Midterms
With three midterms this coming week, it has been confirmed that UCSD student Loraine Smithson has already taken her last shower of the quarter. Those who …
