The Conch
Although formerly known as an amalgam of satire, quirky news, and non-fiction that did not find a home in one of the other sections, The Conch now exists as a strictly satirical section. Articles can employ a variety of design principles or gimmicks but should always have a point. These can include faux news reports, tongue-in-cheek op-eds, persona authors, and Buzzfeed-style lists.

Community Op-EdsOpinionSubmission

Submission: Justice, then Peace

Written by:

The disproportionate impact of COVID-19 on black communities and the murders of George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, Tony McDade, Nina Pop, and Rayshard Brooks should …

SubmissionThe Conch

Dear The Triton, Please Abdicate Your Moral Authority Like Other Campus Publications

Written by:

Dear The Triton, I, your lowly former opinion editor, saw a submission in another (more incredible) campus publication today, and it got me thinking about ways …

The Conch

Introverted First Year Accidentally Joins Every Club on Library Walk

Written by:

Andrew Nguyen, an introverted first year in Sixth College, along with his suitemates, were invited to meet the members of the Hypebeasts Club during Week 1. …

The Conch

Khosla Got This Bread So You Don’t Have To

Written by:

Chancellor Pradeep Khosla was spotted stapling pieces of bread to the Eucalyptus trees in Warren Mall. Ever in touch with the youth, Khosla said, “I keep …

The Conch

ERC and Sixth: A Friendship That Could Never Be

Written by:

My dear friend in Eleanor Roosevelt College (ERC), If you are receiving this letter, it means that it has been delivered to you upon my last …

The Conch

Spam Quarantine Email Quarantines Itself, Explodes Space-Time Continuum

Written by:

The universe ceased to exist on Wednesday, when UC San Diego’s Spam Quarantine notification quarantined itself. The system tried to notify a student of new Tapingo …

The Conch

Poli Sci Major Lists “Politics” as Interest on Tinder, Entitled to More Matches

Written by:

Jimmy McDecker sits in his Marshall College Upper Apartment every Tuesday, desperately swiping on three different dating apps. As the night wears on, he sags deeper …

The Conch

The Conch: Fighting Stupidity With Half Our Brain Tied Behind Our Back

Written by:

Much like a UC San Diego student’s sense of self-worth, The Conch has taken a two-year hiatus. But now we’re back to bring you the latest …

The Conch

My Top Fears for Sun God 2017

Written by:

The lineup will be bad. The lineup will be bad but I will attend anyways in order to maintain my social status as a cool student …

The Conch

Student Takes Final Shower Before Midterms

Written by:

With three midterms this coming week, it has been confirmed that UCSD student Loraine Smithson has already taken her last shower of the quarter. Those who …